Well, it’s been one year since my Mom died. I have alternated between dreading this anniversary and wishing it would just hurry up and get here.
And now it’s here.
In reality though, my Mom left us a long time ago. She had a form of dementia similar to Alzheimer’s.
The last few years were hard on her. You see she had watched my Grandmother be ravaged by dementia in the 1960’s and my Mom was always petrified that she would get it too.
And she was right to be scared of it. It is not fun.
In her last year or so of life it was a crap shoot as to whether she would know who I was when I went to see her. I used to pause before I came through the door of her nursing home, wondering which Mom I would see that day.
The one who greeted me by name, proudly introduced me to the nurses and asked me about my son.
Or the Mom who stared at me like I was a nurse coming to take her temperature.
I could see the difference in her eyes when she looked at me. No joy that I was there. No spark of recognition.
Oh crap, it was going to be one of those days!
On those occasions I just carried on my conversation like she did know who I was. Hoping that at some point in my one sided conversation something inside her brain would make the connection and she would snap out of it. She never did.
I would cut those visits shorter than I had anticipated and fumble for an excuse as to why I had to leave.
But it’s been a year since she officially left us. I think about her every day. I probably always will, because your Mom is your Mom even if she doesn’t remember that that is who she is.
Pamela
Oh I know how you feel Pam. My dad died four years ago of Parkinson’s and well the last 8yrs of his life he was not himself either. Horrible.
A day does not go by that I don’t miss him either.
Hope you find comfort in the memories of your mom.
Rosie
I’m so sorry for your loss. She sure was a gorgeous woman.
Marigene
Pam, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother to such a horrible disease…I have just begun the mourning process…your mother was a beautiful lady.
Loo xx from Jumbles and Pompoms
Oh Pam, this is a beautiful and very moving post. I can only echo what Pamela says above – and enjoy the good memories you have of your mum.
Sandy
Pam,
This post and your last one touched me so…..I have had these anniversaries for 30 years this year, I was 27, and they never get easier, just more poignant, it is never easy for a female to be in this world without her mom…..take care of yourself. Sandy
Gail @ Faithfulness Farm
Pam…(((HUGS))). These are hard anniversary days to get thru. My dear mother-in-law left us in 2002…the anniversary is next month. You just never really stop being sad about the loss. Take gentle care friend and thank you for sharing your Mom with us. She was a beautiful lady.
Blessings!
Gail
All That Glitters
Thinking of you!
Debby
So sorry. I does get a bit easier. My Dad died of Alzheimers. He had it for ten years. He couldn’t remember my name but I know that he knew me. He called me Sherry. My husband’s name is Larry, so I am guessing that’s where that came from. I know he is in a better place now. I hope that after this anniversary you can find peace with your mother’s passing.
Ann
Pam, what a wonderful post. I understand how much you miss her…I miss my mom dreadfully but I can tell you after the first year it gets a little better. I use to mark time that first year by thinking ..this is the first bday or holiday without her.
Jan is a bad month, the weather or losing a loved one
thanks for sharing I today
Donnie
My mother had Alzheimer’s and I was blessed that she acted like she knew me the last 3 weeks of her life and I have that memory. My husband said God gave her a gift but for just a short while. Actually He gave it to me. It gets easier- she has passed in 2006-but never totally easy. Take care sweetie.
Erin
Sorry to hear about your mom, that struggle is so hard..as I see it with Grandma. I am thinking of you all and sending you hugs today Pam:)
Heather
I understand. My father passed away 3 years ago, and I think about him everyday. His death was sudden, so in some ways I feel fortunate that I did not have to endure witnessing dementia. I am thinking of you.
Lisa
This was a beautiful tribute….I am sure she is looking down on you and smiling!
Cindy
I’m sure that was so difficult for you. What a nice post to honor her!
NanaDiana
My mother suffered from dementia also. It was a horrible thief…one that took everything that was HER and made her into someone unrecognizable even to herself. It is a sad way to leave because there are no good memories created during those last years of life. I know that you are sad but I also know that you are relieved that she is beyond all that now. And, if you are like me, you probably felt guilty about feeling relieved. I know there were days when I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder what kind of a person I was to be glad that the shell of a person I once knew and loved had left this Earth. God bless you, Pam….you are made of strong stuff and you paid your mother a wonderful tribute today. Hugs- Diana
artteachergirl
What a good daughter you are! You are evidence that your mama was a wonderful lady. It never gets easy, but you do get stronger as the years go on. You did a special thing here for your mama, and you are gonna be fine. Smile, Vicki
LV
A lovely tribute to your mother. I hate to see people get in that condition. You feel so helpless.
Olive Cooper
Pam, this post and the last one are so sweet and I can just feel your love for her shining through. hugs♥O
sweet european dreams
hi Pam. Such sweet devotion to your mother. I am blessed in that both of my parents are still alive, but I still mourn the loss of my grandmother – she’s been gone 23 years now.
Here’s a little something that may just cheer you up – you’re my 200th follower, so I’m sending you a little treat in the mail. I’m off to see if I can find your contact info now. Have a blessed weekend – it’s almost here!
Vintagesouthernlife
What a sweet tribute to your mother. The first year is the hardest.I still think about my dad every day but the pain is not as great.
I am just starting the dementia journey with my mom.
Know that her confusion is gone and that she is happy once again.
Honey at 2805
This is a wonderful tribute to your mother. And the vintage pictures of her are a real treasure.
Honey at 2805
This is a wonderful tribute to your mother. And the vintage pictures of her are a real treasure.
Honey at 2805
This is a wonderful tribute to your mother. And the vintage pictures of her are a real treasure.
Karen
I’m very sorry for your loss, Pam. It’s hard to lose a parent, no matter when they leave us. My mom has been gone for 10 years and I still think of her every day. I hope that you find comfort in the good memories that you have.
Tricia - A Rosy Note
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom Pam. This is a very nice tribute to her. My grandma had dementia too, so I know how hard it can be…wishing for a for moments of who they once were. Your photos are wonderful 🙂
shannon i olson
precious photos, precious memories all the same. Some times it can be so hard.
Sorry for your loss.
Mary
Pam, the first anniversary is always difficult. Hold on to the good memories today and the day will pass. I’ll keep you in my thoughts. Blessings…Mary
Kelly
Sweet yet heartbreaking post. Many prayers to you on this day.
Debbie
Hi Pam…your tribute to your mom is wonderful. such a loving memory of her, with all the pictures too.
I hope you can remember more of the good times, than the last few years.
Sending a big hug.
[email protected]
⚜ ↁℯℬℬᴵℰ⚜
Pam I am so sorry about your Mom. I will say you looked so much like her when she was young, it was amazing. My sweet southern friend I just wrote about last week…today is her Mom’s same anniversary date of passing as well. I am sad for both of you…but know you are thinking of all the good memories.
Brenda Kula
I’m so sorry that your last memories of/with her are sad ones. But I’m also glad the one year anniversary is behind you. When I lost my best friend five years ago, every anniversary after the first one became easier.
Brenda
Christy
Thanks for stopping by, I will enjoy getting to know you through your blog. I love the vintage photos. I think you should start collecting dog figurines, they are so fun. they put a smile on my face whenever I see them. sorry for your loss. God Bless!
very merry vintage style
Lovely post. I have lost both parents some years ago and I remember that first everything after they passed… first year, first mothers and fathers day, Christmas, etc… My heart goes out to you. I hope you have lots of fond memories to carry you through these hard times. She was a beautiful woman!
Hugs,
Mary
La
Pam, I’m sending a special hug your way as you mark this first anniversary of your loss.
Morning Glory Cottage
I am so sorry. The first anniversary is the hardest. I lost my mom 3 years ago in January. I still miss her everyday. Some days more than others. Wishing you easy days ahead though.
Pam
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support! I really do appreciate it. I spent the majority of Thursday doing a little bit of retail therapy in honor of my Mother. She loved a good deal and I thought it was a fitting way to get through the day.
Inspired by you
My father passed away 4 years ago. Just remember it is okay to laugh or cry whenever you need to. The mourning process is a continuous cycle that does get easier.
Serendipity Chic Design
Beautiful photos Pam, but you still brought a tear to my eye. Dementia is such a horrible thing to watch a loved one go through. Thank goodness for your mother though, she had you by her side regardless.
Take care,
Lisa
Shirley
Dear Pam, The first year is so hard. It always seems like it was just yesterday. I know I have had more than my share of personal loss. A day never goes by that I dont think of my family who have gone ahead of us. We miss them so much!
Hugs to you and what a wonderful post. Every picture was heart felt!
Hugs,
~Shirley
Tete
Oh my, girlie, I had no idea it’s just been a year since your mom flew to Heaven’s Gate. My mom has been gone 16 years now, last October. You’re right, they are always your mom and you will always miss her and think about her everyday, but it will get easier. And when you think of her, a wide sheep eatin’ grin will spread across your face. Her memory will be your sunshine on cloudy days, your strength when you need it and that warm cozy feeling inside in between.
She knows who you are now, and she will be the first to greet you when it’s your turn to cross.
My dad had a stroke a year ago this month…but he always knows me when we talk on the phone. He may not know much else, and I know one day he will not know my voice, but it will be ok…because I know I am in there somewhere and I will always be in his heart, even if he can’t remember.
And when our hearts quit beating here, our souls will soar there, and it will be alright.
Hang in there, it does get easier with each passing year.
Hugs- Tete
Pam of Eastlake Victorian
Pam-
What a lovely tribute to your beautiful mom. My grandma had a form of dementia in the 1980’s, and it was very difficult for us to come to terms with. But she was already gone to us when she finally did die. I think it’s best to try and forget the day your mom died, and instead, celebrate her memory on her birthday. We’ve done this with my husband’s parents birthdays, and this way we remember the happy times instead of the sad.
-Pam