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    Home » Musings

    A Year Of Memories

    Published by Pam Kessler | 320 words. · About 2 minutes to read this article. -

    Well, it's been one year since my Mom died.

    I have alternated between dreading this anniversary and wishing it would just hurry up and get here.

    And now it's here.


    In reality though, my Mom left us a long time ago. She had a form of dementia similar to Alzheimer's.

    The last few years were hard on her. You see she had watched my Grandmother be ravaged by dementia in the 1960's and my Mom was always petrified that she would get it too.


    And she was right to be scared of it. It is not fun.

    In her last year or so of life it was a crap shoot as to whether she would know who I was when I went to see her. I used to pause before I came through the door of her nursing home, wondering which Mom I would see that day.


    The one who greeted me by name, proudly introduced me to the nurses and asked me about my son.


    Or the Mom who stared at me like I was a nurse coming to take her temperature.

    I could see the difference in her eyes when she looked at me. No joy that I was there. No spark of recognition.

    Oh crap, it was going to be one of those days!


    On those occasions I just carried on my conversation like she did know who I was. Hoping that at some point in my one sided conversation something inside her brain would make the connection and she would snap out of it. She never did.


    I would cut those visits shorter than I had anticipated and fumble for an excuse as to why I had to leave.


    But it's been a year since she officially left us. I think about her every day. I probably always will, because your Mom is your Mom even if she doesn't remember that that is who she is.

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    Comments

    1. Pam of Eastlake Victorian

      February 01, 2011 at 9:08 am

      Pam-

      What a lovely tribute to your beautiful mom. My grandma had a form of dementia in the 1980's, and it was very difficult for us to come to terms with. But she was already gone to us when she finally did die. I think it's best to try and forget the day your mom died, and instead, celebrate her memory on her birthday. We've done this with my husband's parents birthdays, and this way we remember the happy times instead of the sad.

      -Pam

    2. Tete

      January 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

      Oh my, girlie, I had no idea it's just been a year since your mom flew to Heaven's Gate. My mom has been gone 16 years now, last October. You're right, they are always your mom and you will always miss her and think about her everyday, but it will get easier. And when you think of her, a wide sheep eatin' grin will spread across your face. Her memory will be your sunshine on cloudy days, your strength when you need it and that warm cozy feeling inside in between.
      She knows who you are now, and she will be the first to greet you when it's your turn to cross.
      My dad had a stroke a year ago this month...but he always knows me when we talk on the phone. He may not know much else, and I know one day he will not know my voice, but it will be ok...because I know I am in there somewhere and I will always be in his heart, even if he can't remember.
      And when our hearts quit beating here, our souls will soar there, and it will be alright.
      Hang in there, it does get easier with each passing year.
      Hugs- Tete

    3. Shirley

      January 30, 2011 at 4:24 pm

      Dear Pam, The first year is so hard. It always seems like it was just yesterday. I know I have had more than my share of personal loss. A day never goes by that I dont think of my family who have gone ahead of us. We miss them so much!
      Hugs to you and what a wonderful post. Every picture was heart felt!
      Hugs,
      ~Shirley

    4. Serendipity Chic Design

      January 29, 2011 at 10:30 pm

      Beautiful photos Pam, but you still brought a tear to my eye. Dementia is such a horrible thing to watch a loved one go through. Thank goodness for your mother though, she had you by her side regardless.

      Take care,
      Lisa

    5. Inspired by you

      January 29, 2011 at 4:25 pm

      My father passed away 4 years ago. Just remember it is okay to laugh or cry whenever you need to. The mourning process is a continuous cycle that does get easier.

    6. Pam

      January 29, 2011 at 8:41 am

      Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support! I really do appreciate it. I spent the majority of Thursday doing a little bit of retail therapy in honor of my Mother. She loved a good deal and I thought it was a fitting way to get through the day.

    7. Morning Glory Cottage

      January 29, 2011 at 2:21 am

      I am so sorry. The first anniversary is the hardest. I lost my mom 3 years ago in January. I still miss her everyday. Some days more than others. Wishing you easy days ahead though.

    8. La

      January 28, 2011 at 10:20 pm

      Pam, I'm sending a special hug your way as you mark this first anniversary of your loss.

    9. very merry vintage style

      January 28, 2011 at 7:07 pm

      Lovely post. I have lost both parents some years ago and I remember that first everything after they passed... first year, first mothers and fathers day, Christmas, etc... My heart goes out to you. I hope you have lots of fond memories to carry you through these hard times. She was a beautiful woman!
      Hugs,
      Mary

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