Well, it's been one year since my Mom died.
I have alternated between dreading this anniversary and wishing it would just hurry up and get here.
And now it's here.
In reality though, my Mom left us a long time ago. She had a form of dementia similar to Alzheimer's.
The last few years were hard on her. You see she had watched my Grandmother be ravaged by dementia in the 1960's and my Mom was always petrified that she would get it too.
And she was right to be scared of it. It is not fun.
In her last year or so of life it was a crap shoot as to whether she would know who I was when I went to see her. I used to pause before I came through the door of her nursing home, wondering which Mom I would see that day.
The one who greeted me by name, proudly introduced me to the nurses and asked me about my son.
Or the Mom who stared at me like I was a nurse coming to take her temperature.
I could see the difference in her eyes when she looked at me. No joy that I was there. No spark of recognition.
Oh crap, it was going to be one of those days!
On those occasions I just carried on my conversation like she did know who I was. Hoping that at some point in my one sided conversation something inside her brain would make the connection and she would snap out of it. She never did.
I would cut those visits shorter than I had anticipated and fumble for an excuse as to why I had to leave.
But it's been a year since she officially left us. I think about her every day. I probably always will, because your Mom is your Mom even if she doesn't remember that that is who she is.
artteachergirl
What a good daughter you are! You are evidence that your mama was a wonderful lady. It never gets easy, but you do get stronger as the years go on. You did a special thing here for your mama, and you are gonna be fine. Smile, Vicki
NanaDiana
My mother suffered from dementia also. It was a horrible thief...one that took everything that was HER and made her into someone unrecognizable even to herself. It is a sad way to leave because there are no good memories created during those last years of life. I know that you are sad but I also know that you are relieved that she is beyond all that now. And, if you are like me, you probably felt guilty about feeling relieved. I know there were days when I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder what kind of a person I was to be glad that the shell of a person I once knew and loved had left this Earth. God bless you, Pam....you are made of strong stuff and you paid your mother a wonderful tribute today. Hugs- Diana
Cindy
I'm sure that was so difficult for you. What a nice post to honor her!
Lisa
This was a beautiful tribute....I am sure she is looking down on you and smiling!
Heather
I understand. My father passed away 3 years ago, and I think about him everyday. His death was sudden, so in some ways I feel fortunate that I did not have to endure witnessing dementia. I am thinking of you.
Erin
Sorry to hear about your mom, that struggle is so hard..as I see it with Grandma. I am thinking of you all and sending you hugs today Pam:)
Donnie
My mother had Alzheimer's and I was blessed that she acted like she knew me the last 3 weeks of her life and I have that memory. My husband said God gave her a gift but for just a short while. Actually He gave it to me. It gets easier- she has passed in 2006-but never totally easy. Take care sweetie.
Ann
Pam, what a wonderful post. I understand how much you miss her...I miss my mom dreadfully but I can tell you after the first year it gets a little better. I use to mark time that first year by thinking ..this is the first bday or holiday without her.
Jan is a bad month, the weather or losing a loved one
thanks for sharing I today
Debby
So sorry. I does get a bit easier. My Dad died of Alzheimers. He had it for ten years. He couldn't remember my name but I know that he knew me. He called me Sherry. My husband's name is Larry, so I am guessing that's where that came from. I know he is in a better place now. I hope that after this anniversary you can find peace with your mother's passing.
All That Glitters
Thinking of you!
Gail @ Faithfulness Farm
Pam...(((HUGS))). These are hard anniversary days to get thru. My dear mother-in-law left us in 2002...the anniversary is next month. You just never really stop being sad about the loss. Take gentle care friend and thank you for sharing your Mom with us. She was a beautiful lady.
Blessings!
Gail
Sandy
Pam,
This post and your last one touched me so.....I have had these anniversaries for 30 years this year, I was 27, and they never get easier, just more poignant, it is never easy for a female to be in this world without her mom.....take care of yourself. Sandy
Loo xx from Jumbles and Pompoms
Oh Pam, this is a beautiful and very moving post. I can only echo what Pamela says above - and enjoy the good memories you have of your mum.
Marigene
Pam, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother to such a horrible disease...I have just begun the mourning process...your mother was a beautiful lady.
Rosie
I'm so sorry for your loss. She sure was a gorgeous woman.
Pamela
Oh I know how you feel Pam. My dad died four years ago of Parkinson's and well the last 8yrs of his life he was not himself either. Horrible.
A day does not go by that I don't miss him either.
Hope you find comfort in the memories of your mom.